There’s nothing for me in the in-between.
Pick a side, cuz that chasm falls deep.
Can’t climb out, no second chances,
A black hole pit, a temporary release…
That burns the bridge over the in-between.
There’s nothing for me in the in-between
There’s nothing for me in the in-between.
Pick a side, cuz that chasm falls deep.
Can’t climb out, no second chances,
A black hole pit, a temporary release…
That burns the bridge over the in-between.
There’s nothing for me in the in-between
Have you ever took up your life, forgone the seatbelt and purposely crashed into a wall?
Metaphorically speaking. …I believe we all have at times.
You see, unwise decisions and habitual sin lead to devastation.
Injury.
Death.
And, I have done it myself, speeding along at my will, wrecking my life, and all the while God is watching and allowing me to be wounded by my carelessness.
For example, I’m a writer, and I have many pieces that I’ve written that have not been shared. Many are too personal and many are simply waiting to be finished. Many are finished and the timing isn’t right.
Whatever the reason, when I read over them, I am remembering the WHY of why I wrote them. I can see them for what they are, as well. I know when they are ready and when they need work. I know when, let’s be honest, the written work is not very good. The intention and labor behind it was good, but the body needs a lot of work.
My whole point here is that God knows us and knows when we need work. He knows, probably like a writer too, that even the best piece can be better. But, at some point, the piece is just ready, and the refining will come along the way.
And I, in my humanity, can’t wrap my brain around this. I can’t comprehend how I could possibly be ready to serve him and so fallen, so imperfect and so undeserving of his attentions.
Especially, knowing that nothing is hidden from God and that on my own, my righteousness is like dirty rags…. God knows this about me, you, for we are all a people naturally bent towards rebellion.
Even more so…..
God knows us and our capacity to forget him.
Can you imagine? What if you had a spouse, and you knew that your spouse’s natural tendency was to forget you? What if you caught your spouse cheating, but it didn’t shock you because you knew it would happen?
But, what if you still loved your spouse anyway? What if you let it go at his or her own detriment, knowing all the while the damage they would do, but vowed to wait for their return, anyway?
Wouldn’t we question the sanity of the faithful spouse I just depicted? Yet, that is exactly what God is like. He is our faithful bridegroom.
We deserve divorce papers, but instead, he draws us into his will
We deserve separation, but instead he bridges the gap between heaven and hell with his own body, bent and broken on the cross for his glory and for our benefit
Yet, we continue to turn away from him; we have little indiscretions, big ones, and sometimes, we plainly forget Him.
Yet, there he is..still waiting, still faithful, and still loving us without wanting to shame us, beating us down with “I told you so’s” or making us atone for idolatry because Jesus….
Because Jesus……who left his glory in heaven to walk the roads of humanity and than later… to die for us all, even those of us who spit upon his brow with our total rebelllion. He embodies true mercy.
True mercy….
I don’t know about you, but I can’t fathom that. I don’t want to most of the time. True mercy is scandalous and makes us want to say “he doesn’t deserve it! She doesn’t deserve it.”
But,
mercy doesn’t accuse and it doesn’t follow human moral codes of justice.
Instead, it comes, undeserving and so beautiful…and
It’s for those of us, just like me and like you ….who are violently driving themselves towards their death, ready to wreck against an iron wall upon our own violation.
I see that ….
God has allowed me to be the driver to my own death. I see now that He didn’t swoop down to pull me out at certain times.
And, in light of this, I can see that God allowing me to wreck myself is one of the best gifts he has given me.
Because only in the midst of my deep forgetfulness, can I remember how MUCH I need the wonderfulness of his mercy.
God, may your mercies work miracles through me….
-A
Brave.
Fearless.
Warrior.
Courage, my heart.
For some reason, those words popped into my brain, a vision of letters somehow engraved into thin air…..
And I thought of every bar necklace, every t-shirt, every coffee mug that stands boldly with declaration of intent.
BRAVE
FEARLESS.
I wonder….what if we actually held the sign of our truths? What would mine be?
Fearful….
Afraid….
Insecure…
Anxious….
Lonely….
Regretful….
Not all at once, but sometimes and many times…too many times.
I am a vessel of many feelings, fear probably the strongest and most deceptive of all. Oh fear….what death is born from your whispers!
And,
The older I become, the more this truth empowers me, rushing through my veins and carrying me through unpredictable, volatile, HEAVY, storms:
That
despite all things, I am REDEEMED and living in a yet-to-be-fully-explored FREEDOM, and THIS is the fulfillment of ANY dream, EVERY hope, and where my humanity and eternal JOY collide.
The fear of the unknown?
The devastation of fairy tales ruined?
Rejection and betrayal?
More specifically:
When my marriage is in the desert place, due to our neglect, and as we rebuild, we wait, hand in hand, for the rains? I am still redeemed.
When miscarriage upon miscarriages reveals the betrayal of body to heart? I am still redeemed.
When rejection from family turns spring into winter, chilling your very insides into a frozen congealed mass of tears ready to BREAK out. I am still redeemed.
When anxiety paralyzes and handcuffs and whispers and rages and threatens and tries to re-identify you. I AM STILL REDEEMED.
In the valley of death...I AM STILL REDEEMED.
And this is my and YOUR greatest JOY – the horizon of HOPE waiting …….
THIS is what I believe. And this is what has carried me. THIS has redefined me and EVERY relationship, my marriage, my perspective, my PEACE and has EMPOWERED me to survive with my mental and spirtual health not just intact, but strengthened. Stronger.
The beauty of redemption is that it changes FEAR into PEACE.
I am redeemed. Today, and forever, redeemed. And I seize that as my biggest WIN, my brightest JOY and my driving HOPE.
I am redeemed. Despite all things, redeemed. We are redeemed. Through all things, redeemed!
Thank you, JESUS
“I can see them. As we read books together before bedtime, I see them. I see the side of her mouth trembling a little, just like her dad’s does, keeping it all in because in this world, STRONG is what we teach.
As we read, I go over the day in my mind:
And then, in a blink of an eye, I’m back to reality and I see them. Fluid waters of grief held at bay, they are.
Unshed tears, they are.
All of a sudden, my heart is squeezed with pain over what I cannot undo, over what I cannot fix. I see the unshed tears; I wonder what is keeping them in and than it hits me. She doesn’t want to disappoint me. She wants to be a strong little girl even though her emotions are wild and confusing and overwhelming.
Where did she get that? Why does she think that? How did this happen?
Even in this sudden realization, I know that there is nothing I could have done or not done to prevent her from exercising her will. After all, she is her own being, and this is her world. Dad is gone, mom is running the show, and even though she loves mom, her world is rocked every single time he has to leave.
And so, she weeps and she cries, but the time comes, even for an almost 8 year old, where she chooses to leave her pain untended to so she can experience something – anything – else besides it.
As she reads to me, I wonder,
Why do we teach being STRONG with such fervor? If anything, maybe we should forget about being strong and just try to be TRUE. Maybe, we should pay attention and tend to the unshed tears around us…in our families, in our communities, in our sons and daughters….our sweet military children in their untended grief.
We should! I should!
You know, I don’t know a lot about how to be a “great” mother. Who really does? But, I do know this. I will notice her tears…shed and unshed. And I will welcome them. I will love her and I will be here, standing in the void, every time her dad leaves….wiping away all those shed and unshed tears. I will tend to her in her pain, and help her carry the burden of unspoken grief and separation from family. “
Guys…this is just a small little snapshot of my normal life.
However, it is not just my life. There are so many of us military families with struggles that are specific to our subculture. I can tell you through veteran eyes that it is difficult and that there is truly very little support. But the world has enough stories about people like me…..Not saying mine isn’t important. NO, not at all.
But, I challenge you to think about the child, the children, of military parents. As adults, we know how to function and we aim to protect our children. But there are realities we can’t always protect them from.
This,my friends, it does more than affect our children. It helps form them, their dreams and their perspectives. Every story is different…but I am certain that the grief of missing mom or dad is the same….
This is the burden of the military child…
So that is one of many reason why I want to go to Brussels this summer. There in Brussels, on June 22nd, middle school children from every branch of the military all across Europe, will gather together at a camp sponsored by Jacob’s Generation. My team will be providing the music and stepping out as mentors during our time there.
I HOPe and I PRAY that I can be a light into their lives and that their stories will be heard. I pray that I can make a lasting impact, one where love really did pour out and fill up; fall down and lift up; release and be received.
And I pray that each child will encounter the true, non-discriminating love of God, who promises to wipe every tear from our eyes, accepts us unconditionally, and knows what each tear drop carries- shed or unshed.
This is why I want to go; this is why I feel led to go…
Will you help me get there? Every donation is valuable; every prayer is cherished. Please partner with me as I prayerfully raise funds to minister to these very special, in need of love and tenderness, close to my heart, children.
I was so honored to preach at my church, IntentionalChurch.tv, this Sunday. I had no idea how to name this sermon, so I will call it The Hosea Sermon….
and I hope you listen and are moved by the faithful love of GOD (-:
day 18 response to #shereadstruth Hosea devotional
I’ve put You high
in unseen places.
A shelf with a box has Your name on it.
Shall I get You down in emergencies?
Shall I place You next to the band-aids?
Bandage of the soul and spirit, You are
In the box, on the shelf, placed high and
just out of reach.
But You, You belong on my tongue.
And You, You belong at my dinner table.
And You, You belong on my door frames,
Strong and ever-ready, purposed for entry.
Yes, You, You belong in the mundane moments,
In the everyday, spilling into seeds of eternity sown in fertile ground.
Yet, You, You’ve been reduced to emergencies,
There, on that shelf, in that box, placed just out of reach.
And so I take You down and I place you higher,
I take You down and I place you higher.
In my heart, in that darkest space, under my ribcage,
I place Your light, let it shine, Glory shine!
For you, You are Yahweh come,
The only SAVIOR that exists ,
There is no other One but You….
Breaking out of the box
Breaking into my heart
Breaking light into dark
Your glory can’t be contained.
Sow in me righteousness,
Reap in me steadfast love,
Break in me fallowed land
It is time to seek You, Lord…
Come like the rain,
Your goodness pouring down.
For though I run, scattered in sin,
You do not lose me.
Your faithfulness reels me in,
Your fences protect my life
The boundaries of Your mercy secure me,
Your blood brings me into Your family.
O tender love of God,
It is time to seek Your face.
A few months ago, or maybe many months ago, I was asked to do the Wednesday night service teaching over Genesis 34:1-36:43
This is an tiny excerpt, my conclusion, and my call to allow change to seep into our souls.
- GOD can bring good out of EVIL.
- God is able to use the evil that people do, bringing about positive results.
- God’s has the ability to overcome any obstacle; His covenant will always advance
- God cannot be bought and his favors are not for sale. Instead, He has purchased our brokeness and our stench of death and mended us! With his blood, He has set the righteousness of His life in us, and he does not even charge us!
- God is the ultimate changer: life-changer, heart-changer, emancipator King, our God.
- We cannot pay him or ever afford to pay him. No amount of money in the entire universe would be enough to afford His mercies. We can only give him tokens of love and worship him for who HE is to us and for us.
AND
- WE can change by renewing our minds and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in us, transforming our attitudes, leading with love, not holding God to our humanistic expectations, not trying to fit God into our systems of accountability, and by not treating Him as a mercenary providing favors that can be bought.
- We CAN change because the Holy Spirit strengthens us with grace! We can change because we are laid down to death with Christ and we are crucified with Him. We live raised to life and seated with Christ! And, if our God is for us, nothing can stand against us, in between us or separate us! The accuser cannot condemn because GOD is the judge and He, by dying for us, paid our debts and won the victory over death’s grip! We out of spiritual debt and get to thank GOD forever for his abundant mercies.
- We can change, because we are together in this! I may be one of a few or many who do not have blood family near. You guys are my family. We are a spiritual , covenant, broken family living in a broken world, but we are bound together by the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit and united in faith, love, worship and the precious blood of Christ.
God….He does not demand instant perfection. And Hallelujah! For He leads us little by little, making inroads of our self-centeredness and doing his work in our lives one step at at a time.
For us…sometimes the best word we can give to the Lord is “thank you.” Thank you Lord!