I had this internal struggle. It had been ongoing, but I had been persevering through for a few years.
I did not allow myself to question things for a while. After all, I was doing what was expected of me. It was the smart thing, the safe thing to do.I was doing something that could only benefit me…and my family. It was of no financial cost to me.
Still, there was a cost. A lot time spent away from my family. An added burden of stress on all of us.
I didn’t necessarily suffer. But my family did.
Just one more year….just one more year….I’m soooooo close!
I just can’t…..I can’t.
I thought I had named the struggle. Ministry vs School. Pick one dumbie.
But I had it all wrong.
It was never that. How could I ever name my service to the Lord ministry (in an industry sense)? It was NEVER that…..although I do participate in ministry. But, no, not ministry….all I have been doing is trying my best to be obedient.
And, all I will ever do is strive to be obedient. Despite misconception, the Lord wants ALL of us to participate in building His kingdom…there is a great need for workers.
So then, what is the struggle?
Well, you see, it is not ministry vs school thing. It is an all-sufficient faithfulness to God vs a fear-based, lack of faith in God…
So, I asked myself, “How can I honor God by loving and obeying him above all else, before all else?
Then, I entrusted my struggle to just a few people.
And I took it all to the Lord myself. I prayed. Listened…
God said to me, “A farmer who delays planting for a year goes bankrupt.”
A friend told me that she heard this from God, “ You know my will for you. Now make the choice.”
Another friend encouraged me to look at school, to see if there was an identity attached to it, and consider if it had been taking the place as an idol in my life. Something that I clung to for fulfillment or provision…whether intentional or not.
And, both, were right. Surely, I do know God’s will for me. He has numerously confirmed it to me, both verbally and through other people. His special appointment in me….
Then, I found a journal entry I wrote approximately a year ago and read a prophetic prayer I wrote.
I came across the first testimony I wrote….and the first promise God ever made me.
People came into my life, brought into it by God. People who needed help, resources, God. And each time, God gently reminded me that above all the resources, above all the “help,” these people’s biggest hope, and help, their saving all-in-all, was in the grace-filled, all inclusive love of Jesus Christ.
I’m not much of a person, in the worldly sense of successful attributes. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions…..choices.
– God has revealed to me the full extent of His love and that revelation has transformed my heart, changing my life forever.
– I will never label myself, box myself in, or attempt to give a name to the appointments God gives me…never again.
– Before committing to “ministry,” school, or anything else, my first commitment is obedience to God, without hesitation.
– And there cannot be obedience without an all out faith. Faith…in action. Don’t just talk about it, be about it (-:
Faith in action means taking risks. Making decisions that others see as unintelligent, or even disappointing, at times. Sometimes, it means acting, even when all of the details aren’t figured out.
All the days of my life, the greatest dream I have is to stand before the Lord and offer Him a gift of obedience driven by love. A “love offering” if you will.
God is calling all of me. (and all of you). He has given me a special love of the unplanted and newly planted church. He has given me a vision of His Kingdom and the role worship plays within that. He has given me a passion for loving and ministering to the unloved and unsaved. And…He has given me a desire to protect and disciple His beloved into a personal, praying, all-surrendered, worshipful relationship with Him.
And, within all that, I am simply a worker. An humble servant of the Lord. A worker, who is endowed with gifts intended to build the kingdom of God and to usher all His beloved into His holy presence.
Call it what you will….worship leader, church planter…..ministry…..lunatic…..(-;
Faithful, I will be. Despite the circumstances and despite the spurts of discouragement, I will remain all in.
And I know…
that when I follow God,
everything else will balance out.
I’m making the choice. Im allowing God to use all of me, with nothing else getting in the way. No more idols…no more distractions.
I’m making the choice to be a stabilizing presence in my family – to protect,love and nurture the beautiful family God has blessed with me with. So help me God.
Blast from the past:
…As a young woman, I prayed for a family that loved all of me. A warm, safe place…a consistent place….a real home.
At the time, I thought it was a superficial prayer. But now I see that God has given all of that to me.
He has given a child to the barren…and a home to one once broken.
He loves all of me and in return, I give all of me.
Counting myself blessed,
“You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all,” ( All in All, written by Dennis Jernigan).