But come on, that is impossible!
Simply because, I am a mom.
That is my identity now. Well, part of it. Ok, who are we kidding, most of it!
And, guess what? That is NOT a bad thing! It is rather indescribable, actually. I mean, of course, there are other parts of my ‘identity.’ There are other things that define the person I am.
I am a woman who loves her husband, who has this creative energy that threatens to destroy me if I do not utilize it, who seriously loves my crazy family, who loves God, who loves my daughter, who loves to sing, who is a stay at home mommy, who struggles with myself, guilt, forgiveness, love, perfection, and figuring out who this new mommy person (me) really is.
The truth is, that being a stay at home mom can be incredibly lonely. And guilt inspiring. And boring at times. But, to me, mostly lonely.
That’s because I love being around people. I love getting to know new people, learning about their lives and creating friendships. I get energy from people.
And now, I’m a stay at home mommy, and I’m rarely around people. So, I get lonely….with no one to talk to through out the day and a husband that works crazy hours. I’m not ashamed to admit it!
But then the other days make up for it! Watching my daughter conquer new milestones….if i was a working momma, I’d miss some of that stuff! Laying down with her, watching her attempt to read me books….man, my heart swells just thinking of it! Dancing around the house like crazy during our daily ‘ davila dance dance DANCE!’ hour ( yes thats my cheesy name for it), is hilarious. Playing hide and seek. Park time. cuddle time. I mean, its during times like this, where I’m thinking, ” Now, this is the life! Thank you Jesus, for giving me the blessing of being with my daughter all day, every day!”
And, I think, that is where the sensibility kicks in. Sure, I find myself glancing at job offers, wistfully imagining myself working again. And then, I look at my daughter and am floored.
Who am I kidding? I can never go back. I will never be who I used to be and I may never be able to return to the work force again….
Because, I’ve experienced the dream. Even though it really wasn’t my dream. And maybe still isn’t. But I’ve been there, and I’m still there, living it everyday. Lonely it is. Thankless it is.
Its the loneliest most thankless, most IMPORTANT job I’ve ever had – and it’s also the best, most rewarding, most fun, most relaxing, and the most FULFILLING job that I’ve ever had.
Its more than a job, it is a new life to cherish, a story that’s being written, memories that are being made, a whole new way to love and be loved…It is who I am now.
And, its finally kicked in. I am really a mom, now. A sahm (stay at home mom).
I’m the real deal.
Today, I was at Barnes and Nobles in the mall buying Isabela some books. I left after making some light conversation with the checkout lady. On the way out the door, I saw a lady in front of me. She was holding a huge purse, wearing sweats and a light jacket. She was looking very ‘casual cute.’ And, looked like she had a ton of errands to run. I thought, “mom, definitely a sahm”
And then I stepped out of myself and looked at me. Dressed in yoga pants, a tank and light jacket. Huge purse, aka diaper bag. A list of errands to run.
Definitely a mom – sahm uniform and all!